I’ve said, on more than one occasion, it’s hard to hoop without a smile on your face. I’ve seen, more than once, that this is true.
But in my explorations lately I’ve been digging deeper into that truth and I’ve found just as there are physics behind the mechanics of keeping our hoops in motion there seem to be a sort of physics behind the emotions you feel while in a hoop. For every mental state you feel there is an equal and opposite emotion, so while its difficult to hoop without a smile on your face, it is also difficult to hoop without tears in your eyes.
There is a pain that comes with my hooping now. Its been difficult to let myself to get into this place. For years my hoop has been where I feel “happy” and I’ve held on to that guideline so tightly. My hoop has been my hero after a difficult day, its helped me celebrate victories no matter how big or small. Letting go and letting my hoop be where I feel… “complete” is an entirely new realm. With each beat, every motion, the dance consumes me more and more until I’m drowning within its power… feeling everything all at once… happiness, sadness, anger, despair… seeing myself as a timid grade school girl and half way through a spin becoming the most powerful warrior I could imagine. Like a super hero… a s-hoop-er hero.
There is a wholeness I feel within the hoop now, so at one, like a white light made up of every color— every feeling— in the world. Maybe this is what heaven feels like for me. Maybe in these moments I reach nirvana.
And then again, maybe this is what hell is like, because to feel this whole is at least for now something unsustainable for me. It is in these movements of blissful pain that I find tears in my eyes and a shortness in my breath. Its too much, too beautiful, too powerful… I can’t continue. In my withdraw I remember that I’m not a super hero, I remember my humanity… and the yearning for those movements, those feelings of utter completeness begin again. The battle with balancing my life as a hooper and the rest of my existence begins again… the desire to drown and fly mounting higher and higher until all at once I explode… begging my family, my friends, the world, the stars, the universe to just be still for a moment, to let me feel this just one more time… begging… begging whoever will listen for mercy.
And there again I find myself in the hoop again and again, spinning and letting myself be spun, giving in, giving up, finding control, and losing it over and over… A culmination of everything I’ve ever been, currently am, and could ever be… over and over. The biggest feelings of pleasure and accomplishment all while peeling open a band aid to check in on my wounds… and all the disappointment and comfort I could have in realizing yes, they’re still there.
Never in my life have I held something so powerful, and I never would have guessed it would come from a plastic child’s toy. —