Tomorrow is my birthday. Today my little guy started his 9th month of life and last night someone very dear to me lost someone very dear to her.

As I entered my hoop today my mind was already buzzing with reflections on life. Our beginnings, our progressions, and the ends to our stories. Life is full of so much wonder, so much beauty, and still it is wickedly unpredictable. Life will surprise you with the last missing puzzle piece to your design… and Life will have no qualms about brushing the whole thing off your table and watching you on your knees trying to scoop up your pieces and start over.

As I begin my next year of life I am extremely thankful for where I am today and for the road I’ve traveled to get here. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or the day after, but I know right now, today, I’m going to hold those I love a little tighter and be grateful for the precious time and space we share.

Sometimes I don’t have the words to really say what I want to say. So I dance. This dance is dedicated to my dear friend, Lora and serves as a reflection on life and humanity.

My wonderful friend, Han inspired this spin today. She has been working on spinning in her own practice and has been dealing with all the side effects… from getting dizzy to getting queasy. Such a price to pay to create something so lovely!

It reminded me of the struggles in my own practice (which include getting dizzy and sometimes queasy after a long spinning session) and gave me reassurance that 1.) I’m not alone and 2.) despite how different one hooper is from the next, we all start in the same place and we all overcome our own hurdles.

I taught my class yesterday some basic off body moves and turned up the music towards the end to let them develop their own flow. Its wonderful to see the feeling of pride and accomplishment in their faces. Keeps me motivated. Keeps me pushing my own boundaries and searching for new strength. 

I’ve said, on more than one occasion, it’s hard to hoop without a smile on your face. I’ve seen, more than once, that this is true.

But in my explorations lately I’ve been digging deeper into that truth and I’ve found just as there are physics behind the mechanics of keeping our hoops in motion there seem to be a sort of physics behind the emotions you feel while in a hoop. For every mental state you feel there is an equal and opposite emotion, so while its difficult to hoop without a smile on your face, it is also difficult to hoop without tears in your eyes.

There is a pain that comes with my hooping now. Its been difficult to let myself to get into this place. For years my hoop has been where I feel “happy” and I’ve held on to that guideline so tightly. My hoop has been my hero after a difficult day, its helped me celebrate victories no matter how big or small. Letting go and letting my hoop be where I feel… “complete” is an entirely new realm. With each beat, every motion, the dance consumes me more and more until I’m drowning within its power… feeling everything all at once… happiness, sadness, anger, despair… seeing myself as a timid grade school girl and half way through a spin becoming the most powerful warrior I could imagine. Like a super hero… a s-hoop-er hero.

There is a wholeness I feel within the hoop now, so at one, like a white light made up of every color— every feeling— in the world. Maybe this is what heaven feels like for me. Maybe in these moments I reach nirvana.

And then again, maybe this is what hell is like, because to feel this whole is at least for now something unsustainable for me. It is in these movements of blissful pain that I find tears in my eyes and a shortness in my breath. Its too much, too beautiful, too powerful… I can’t continue. In my withdraw I remember that I’m not a super hero, I remember my humanity… and the yearning for those movements, those feelings of utter completeness begin again. The battle with balancing my life as a hooper and the rest of my existence begins again… the desire to drown and fly mounting higher and higher until all at once I explode… begging my family, my friends, the world, the stars, the universe to just be still for a moment, to let me feel this just one more time… begging… begging whoever will listen for mercy.

And there again I find myself in the hoop again and again, spinning and letting myself be spun, giving in, giving up, finding control, and losing it over and over… A culmination of everything I’ve ever been, currently am, and could ever be… over and over. The biggest feelings of pleasure and accomplishment all while peeling open a band aid to check in on my wounds… and all the disappointment and comfort I could have in realizing yes, they’re still there.

Never in my life have I held something so powerful, and I never would have guessed it would come from a plastic child’s toy.

Had a fantastic first day teaching hoop dance to my new class. It was great to see so many smiles and laughs while in a “fitness class”. Great group! I can’t wait for next week!

Photos courtesy of the lovely Han Tinoco <3 so happy you were able to make it!

I find myself entering a new phase in my practice. Beginning with different intentions. Being inspired by new movements. This is likely because I have been blessed to be surrounded by so many talented dancers who have shared their own stoies of growth and meditation with me.
I live for order. I love perfection. When guests arrive there will always be an apology for the house not being clean enough. I constantly battle with my attempts to achieve perfection only to let myself down because once again I’ve fallen short.
Through this I’ve developed my the latest version of my flow. A hoop-led dance, an attempt to give up control and roll with it. “Messy” body breaks that force me to let the hoop lead. Where will it land? How can we move on from there?
Horizontal tosses where again, I’m not in control, I’m not sure how the placement of my hand will be when I catch and so I can’t predict the next movement. And of course this makes for a lot of hoop dropping, but that’s a good thing. Its part of the process.
I’ve also briefly stepped away from hooping to the songs in my personal music collection in favor of a mix on Pandora. I often don’t know the songs and so I can’t rely on the catalog of combinations I day dreamed in the shower or in the car.
This dance is different. This shift in power allows me to enter a flow I haven’t entered before. I’m building a better partnership with my hoop. Instead of dictating what my hoop is to do I’m stepping back and allowing it a voice.
I know I will ever stop growing as a hoop dancer. There will always be a new way I wish my body could move or a trick I just can’t wrap my head around… but this new phase feels essential to getting to the next level. Letting go is helping me be less afraid and more one with my dance. I look forward to continuing to let my hoop lead and see where it takes us.